Because Sometimes?

Things just really suck.

I'm doing a whole lot of work on my mind. I understand that our chemical makeup only does but so much. It is flexible and ready to be shaken up, either positively or negatively. Sure, maybe you're predisposed to very cynical thoughts. However, there's always meditation! Clear your mind and maybe you'll stop hating everything.

But my main issue is, I'm tired of doing the things to make my mind better, and the things around me don't get better. Yes, I get the whole "inside out" thing, ie, if you're not happy on the inside, it doesn't matter what's going on on the outside!

Um. I disagree. Especially today, as I look out the window and "on the outside" see a gray sky and pouring rain. I am getting really fed up constantly working on what goes on in my mind, only to see no positive results happening around me. Things start to feel hopeless. I can't fix them. And then again it goes back to, "So fix what's on the inside!"

Don't they all say that first awareness is the key to fixing the problem? Well then how 'bout this. Said post I am writing/you are reading right now is my Call to Awareness.

I have a problem. I am PISSED at everything. I'm depressed that nothing turns out the way you think it does, and I feel that a lot of the times, it doesn't surprise you in a good way.

So here I am, saying I feel really really shitty about the state of things. And I'm going to change them on the fucking inside and hope the outside steps up.

Lightness, Brightness, and Spaciousness

Chase the light,
whatever
and wherever
it may be
for you.
Chase it.

- Tyler Knott

I'll Just Read This Over and Over Again.

I had dinner with one of my best friends Grace last night. I met her at musical theatre conservatory, and I'm very grateful to still have her as a friend after all these years "pounding the pavement" and getting called by the wrong name at auditions. I told her I was feeling a little blue as I slopped up my french onion soup. I know there's creativity inside me, a unique voice to tell a story that I think people could relate to. I'm just having some trouble figuring out how to get my word across. This bloggity-blog is a WONDERFUL, tremendous step in getting my word across. I know this is only helping me. 

But other things help too, like a video of Ira Glass which Grace sent to me later that night. It's on storytelling, and the words could not have resonated more with me, particularly on that cold Wednesday night, post-blizzard, post-new-job, post-new-year... post. Here's the transcript:

Nobody tells this to people who are beginners, I wish someone told me. All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you make stuff, it's just not that good. It's trying to be good, it has potential, but it's not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they quit. Most people I know who do interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know our work doesn't have this special thing that we want it to have. We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know it's normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you will finish one story. It is only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I've ever met. It's gonna take awhile. It's normal to take awhile. You've just gotta fight your way through. 

I just want to shout from the rooftops! YES! YES YES, IRA! YES! THANK YOU! Honestly, I really do believe I have killer taste. In some form or another. The comedy I'm invested in, the writers I believe in, the work I grew up o... I'd say it all comes together to create this "killer taste" of mine. And I'm just going to keep fighting my way through. I'm not going to judge my worth based on what's written on this blog. This is only a safe space for me. And you, anonymous reader who happened to stumble upon "Subways with Buddha" (wait, did you use StumbleUpon.com? Is that still a thing?), I appreciate you taking the time to go on this journey with me. With me and Ira Glass. And Grace.

Perspective

I recently started a new job which requires my commuting from Manhattan to Brooklyn. Someone asked me if that was a pain, and ya know, it's really not. It's a quick walk to the subway, and the piece de resistance is that the train goes over the Manhattan Bridge, so every day, I get to see a view of the Manhattan skyline... and the Statue of Liberty. It's pretty incredible, and definitely puts things into perspective for me, every time I take in the view.

Now, I know that some days, the commute will seem like a pain in the ass. Why am I going FROM the city TO Brooklyn? Why does it take so long? Why can't I teleport? However, I am going to continually remind myself, if I am having a particularly bad day and feeling particularly pessimistic, to look at the skyline and reel it all in.

Perspective is a funny thing. I equate it to when your good friend is dating someone, and you sort of have to feel out what she wants to hear from you about him... like, "Oh my gosh isn't my new guy so cute!" And you respond yes. But then the next day she hasn't gotten texts back from him, so you tell her how he's a troll. Or she's really excited because he's a veterinarian. Like how adorable, treating little sick puppies! But then he dumps her, so you're like, "Ok but seriously, he was a VET. Come crying to me when the heart surgeon for real people breaks your heart." Or if he's a teacher. And you're like, "Aww, he's teaching elementary children, what a sweetheart!" But then he cheats on her so you're like, "Okay but he's a TEACHER. If he was a heart surgeon, it'd be another issue."

Obviously I would never choose a guy based solely on their career, I'm just using them for the purpose of proving my perspective point.

It can go any which way possible. It's how we spin it. Public Relations firms get paid very large sums of money to essentially spin the way something is presented in a favorable light. Or I guess sometimes they spin it unfavorably if they want crazy press? I don't know, gotta ask my friend April, she's a film PR wiz.

The fact of the matter is, I can continue looking at my commute as a valuable way to center myself and calm down before the start of the work day, or I can look at it as a schlep. I'm going to choose the former, and constantly remind myself about perception. Rose-colored glasses. Glass half full. So many sayings about looking at life optimistically represented in the form of "glass." I wonder what that's all about. I just looked up the definition of "glass" to come up with a clever way to explain why it's always a good metaphor. Nothing on that front, however, did you know that glass is made by fusing sand with soda, lime, and sometimes other ingredients?? Is there a half full glass of Diet Coke in a glass made of Diet Coke?!

See? Perspective. That'll be fun to think about next time I order a glass of Diet Coke.

Because Apparently, Happier People Write

My 2015 goal is to be happy. This was a goal I pretty much avoided for the majority of 2014, so I'm excited to reinstate it, Auld Lang Syne and all. The NYT just reported that apparently, those who write are happier. Or something along those lines. Anyway, I took it as a nudge to get back on ye olde blogge and start a-writin'!

And I already feel happier!

Magic!

Let me explain why I named this blog "Subways with Buddha." Well, first, why don't YOU think about what YOU think it means.... reflect on it... change it up a little... ok no you were right with your thinking the first time... ok now you're just being critical.

So with this title, my thoughts are this: I grew up in Virginia and lived there the majority of my life. Now, I live in New York City. And I  don't know about the rest of you, but for me, it seems easier to find peace and zen when you're sitting next to the James River versus when you're sitting next to a crazy person on a subway heading to 6th Avenue (note: out of all the avenues, I think I resent 6th the most).

I thought long and hard about moving back to Virginia this past summer. However, that change would not have felt like a happy relief. It would have felt like a resignation. Throwing in the towel with my dreams piled on top. So, I chose to stay in NY and make the best of what truly is an incredible city full of opportunities. I know that I get bogged down in the details of stuff, though. For a person like me, "full of opportunities" equates to "too many opportunities and I can't decide which one to pick so let me not pick one at all."

I don't want this to be the 2015 me! 2015 is the happy me! And happy people look at opportunity as a positive, beautiful open door leading to who knows where... but probably somewhere good. I can guarantee it leads to somewhere better than what's happening in that waiting room, with the door shut.

And yeah, the door might shut on you literally as you're going through it, for example on the SUBWAY. "SUBWAYS WITH BUDDHA." Now you see how this is all tying together. If the subway door shuts on you, I guarantee it will open again. And you'll be able to get on that subway and ride. And always remember you have a little Buddha next to you. Or within you. Or within this blog. Or at Namaste Bookshop at Union Square. They have lots of little Buddha keychains and knickknacks.

2015, we are ready for you.